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Veterans Golf Club of Victoria - Keep in Touch

We squeezed in a couple of games.
But, back to waiting.

Webmasters Preamble

In Victoria, compared with the rest of Australia, the last few weeks have been frightening, but compared with most other countries have been relatively benign. A lot of our problems are created by a small number of attention seeking idiots who believe their need for notoriety exceeds their need to think of others as well as the concept that aged care homes are for profit making as distinct from resident care.

The impact on our golf has been annoying with it being several weeks before we can start to play again even at our home clubs subject to the various club-based restrictions.

This ninth accumulation page includes daily posts from the second half of August.

31st Aug 2020 - The ultimate Click here to finish


This was intended to be the last 'Keep in Touch' page and I wrote as follows immediately before Victoria suffered its second lockdown. Now I'll keep going, but these were my thoughts when I wrote it.

I started this Keep in touch series back in April when the thoughts of playing golf again were quite obscure.

Since then a new page a day evolved out of the original plan to do one a week and I've regaled you with a variety of ideas, jokes, music and videos with a total of 139 independent and 9 accumulation pages produced.

I can only hope these pages have created as much joy for the Club members as they have for me reviving memories.

So, although my music and joke collection is only partially diminished, the time to stop has arrived and I'm going to do it in music.

But before that here are a couple of student description stories as published in "Cranks and Nuts" the Melbourne University Engineering Students magazine, 1962. There are dozens of these nearly all amusing, but like everything else I'll draw the line with a few.

  • Education began at an early age, leading through Williamstown and Melbourne Highs. Migrated from the garden city to Chadstone where he developed definite views on the place of women in society. Has battled with the C.S.I.R.A.C. computer, unsuccessfully.
  • Sing'ng voice deve'oped at exclusive kindergarten. Sailed through 'town High, but dismasted at Uni.('58) Unanimously voted most eligible bachelor of '62. Now setting up own car wreckers yard. Exterior condition: A1, interior trim - well worn.
  • Grand exit 20-1-40. Served time Uni High '54-'57. Ping pong - '58 plus. Drives FE Ute at high speeds on fresh kangaroo juice. Interest - Shooting, Shelley, shooting. Hates - C.R.B, C.U.B., parking officers, VWs.
  • First words on 1-6-41 - "Hey listen fellas!" Civilised at M.H.S, now being educated. Leads a 'full' life combining drink (a lot), women (many), study (enough) and year rep (once). Regularly sows wild oats at his country property in Dandenong.  (Editor note: This last comment caused considerable problems where a young lady's mother believed it word for word.)
  • Initiated, 1939 Frustrated 1951-57. Educated 1958-62. Captivated? Graduated ? plus 1 Black stump. Scotch College, Box Hill Hospital.
  • Emerged from cloud of smoke 15-7-41. Outlook broadened at Ringwood High Now diminutive socialist with capitalist Jaguar. Engaged to Maxie and Department of Works despite stubble and poetic ability.
  • Born under a car 194?, mechanised at St Kevin's, married D.P.W. for money - first born a son "Morgan". Devoted in order to: (a) only son, (b) celibate existence, (c) Dr Lazlo's tutes .... (z) wife. (Editor note: Even at Uni, this student was the Australian Importer of Morgan cars.)

Only two of the above are Vets Club members. I'll leave readers to guess which ones.

The poetic ability mentioned above was in recognition of another student who argued that love was rational and could be analysed and organised leading to this poem.

I was a rational lover
I planned my every move
I challenged every sweet young thing
My theories to disprove.

I counted all my kisses
And recorded all her sighs
And when at last she'd gone to bed
These I would analyse.

At the end of all this study
A conclusion I came to
That there's an excellent reason
Why rationalists are so few.

Instead of getting into bed
They sit around and think
So it's no bloody wonder
That they're just about extinct.

By now you probably have a feel for my music selection and there will be four items. The first two were bought from the World Record Club based on its recommendations and after listening to them, they were named by the Comerford family: Beethoven's grand din and Tchaikovsky's magnificent noise. The Tchaikovsky here is played by Lazar Berman a relatively unknown Russian who had political problems at home. Listened to on good equipment the piano is so clear it sounds bell like.

Beethoven - Piano Concerto 5

Tchaikovsky - Piano Concerto 1, Lazar Berman with the Berlin Philharmonic

The last two are by Frank Sinatra to give a feeling of closing. This seems an appropriate way to end my ego trip.

Frank Sinatra - All the way

Frank Sinatra - I did it my way

The Wells Collection - The demented cockatoo

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30th Aug 2020 - A missed opportunity Click here to die young

Life in heaven

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now"

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing, remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" Tony grumbled.

"This is heaven," St Peter replied, "there are no fees."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St Peter to Tony. " This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy"

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

St. Peter replied, "That's the best part. You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick...This is Heaven!'"

"No gym to work out at?" said Tony.

"Not unless you want to. No testing my sugar or blood pressure or anything like that. Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself" was the answer.

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, "You and your flaming Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!"

The Wells Collection - plan before you act

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29th Aug 2020 - A joyous co-incidence Click here to show love

The lesbian

You think you have lived to be 70 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell.

An old cowboy sat down at swimming pool. As he sat there, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "I was told you were a cowboy. Is that true, were you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, " 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women.  It seems everything makes me think of naked women. "

The two sat mulling over their thoughts in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Is that true, were you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

The Wells Collection - the inventor

Solution to John's 3D puzzle

Which is to fold the three outer triangles up so that the corners b, c and d meet at a point above h, then how high is the point of intersection above the surface?

One way of solving this puzzle is picture the sheet of paper after folding from a side on view, perpendicular to the diagonal "a to c"

This will appear as below with the original point locations in black and the new ones in blue.

In the side view the red triangle is created and the blue vertical line represents the height we are to find.

This solution is mostly based on Pythagoras to find the lengths of the three sides of the red triangle with a bit of algebra to clean up.

  1. The length of the top red line is 12cm as it's not changed by folding along its axis "a to e"
  2. The length of the side "g to c" is found as follows:
    1. By Pythagoras the distance "e to f" is √(6^2 + 6^2) = 6*√2
    2. As the triangle "f to c to g" is a 45 degree one, the distance "c to g" must be half the distance "e to f" or 3*√2
  3. The distance "a to g" is found by subtracting 3*√2 from the distance "a to c" which is √(12^2 + 12^2) = 12*√2. So "a to g" = 12*√2 - 3*√2 = 9*√2

Notice that the value of √2 has not been calculated. As you'll see as we progress, we don't need to.

Now we had the two triangles "a-h-c" and "g-h-c" to consider.

To make the values and algebra part clearer we'll call the height "H", the distance "a to h" A and the distance "h to g" B

With Pythagoras again H^2 = 12^2 - A^2 equation 1
and also H^2 = (3*√2)^2 - B^2 equation 2

And lastly as we calculated before: A + B = 9*√2 or A = 9*√2 - B equation 3

Substituting for A in equation 1 we can now write it as:
H^2 = (12^2 - (9*√2 - B)^2) equation 4

Equations 2 and 4 both have values for H^2 from which we can say:

12^2 - (9*√2 - B)^2 = 9*√2^2 - B^2 equation 5

Expanding this out we get:
144 - (81 * 2 - 2*B*9√2 + B^2) = 9 * 2 - B^2 or
144 - 162 + 2*B*9√2 - B^2 = 18 - B^2

Joy, oh joy, adding B^2 to each side of this equation gets rid of the squared item leaving only a linear equation for B, so:

144 - 162 + 18*B√2 = 18 or
18*B√2 = 18 + 162 - 144 or
B√2 = 2 or
B = 2/√2 or
B = √2 equation 6

Back to equation 2:

H^2 = (3*√2)^2 - B^2 or
H^2 = 18 - 2 = 16 or finally the answer we want H = 4

Notice the other piece of joy in this solution and that is we did not need to calculate the value of √2 as while using Pythagoras we keep getting its squared value which is 2! Also I may or may not have included too many of not enough algebraic steps to suit your memory of algebra. Pleases have sympathy for my judgement.

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28th Aug 2020 - The gifts Click here to shower love on your mother

The gifts

Four brothers left home for University, and after graduation succeeded extremely well in their professions.  Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together discussing the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama".

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her"

The man then pleads, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge; I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious!"

"Thank you.
Luv Ya, Mama

The Wells Collection - slowly does it

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27th Aug 2020 - Clear advice Click here to drink hemlock

Life before death

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

"My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks "'How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers,"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

The Wells Collection - watch your pronunciation

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26th Aug 2020 - Life after death Click here to hire a rabbit

Life after death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion ... Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob it sounds wonderful. Are you in Heaven?"

"No........... I'm a rabbit at Phillip Island!"

The Wells Collection - Need a public servant?

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25nd August 2020 - Some random music Click here to if you've had enough.

Some random music

The various items here have no rational relationship except that for some of you they may introduce the enjoyment I get from them.

Lincoln Mayorga - From Menaggio To Bellagio.

Who has heard of Lincoln Mayorga? He was an American Jazz pianist who, in the 1970s produced a series of LPs created directly from the master and hence with limited runs and $20 prices when most other LPs were selling for $5 to $8.

From Menaggio To Bellagio heard on good equipment from the original record was absolutely amazing in its reality and I'll never forget walking into The Soundcraftsman's shop in Malvern, hearing this and looking around for the live combo.

Khachaturian - Sparticus

If you watched the TV series 'The Onedin Line' you will recognise this immediately. If not, visualise a calm sea while you listen.

Prokofieff - Third Piano concerto

A few days ago I added Prokofieff's first piano concerto to these pages, today it's his third. 

Johny O'Keefe - What I'd say

Nambucca - Va pensiero

Verdi wrote many operas which are rarely heard complete.&e This extract from Nambucca is another memorable chorus.

TV theme - Peter Gunn

I've resurrected Peter because his theme was so pervasive in the early 1960s and has rarely been heard since.

Paul Robeson - Ol' man river

One of the great bass singers, Paul Robeson suffered greatly from racial prejudice. I thought of including several more of his songs, but then too many others will miss out. Perhaps, if this is still going next year?

Michael Jackson & Lionel Ritchie - We are the world

We Are the World" is a charity single originally recorded by the supergroup USA for Africa in 1985. It was written by Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie and produced by Quincy Jones and Michael Omartian for the album We Are the World. With sales in excess of 20 million copies, it is the eighth best-selling physical single of all time.

Monteverdi - Selva Morale e Spirituale

Monteverdi, an Italian composer circa 1600 lived in an era when most music was written for the church. I was rather hesitant about getting this intially, but it has grown on me and now I'm a fan.

Ron Wells has sent me some side-splitting videos which will turn up on the next few days. To set the scene they were preceded by the image below.

The Wells Collection - Introduction

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24th Aug 2020 - Promises for a medical career Click here to get a place in the queue
  • The skilled gynecologist

    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO Paperwork, and was burned out.

    Hoping to try another career where Skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

    When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, ""I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

    The instructor said,"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
    You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

    After a pause, the instructor added,"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler."

  • The gynecologists assistant

    A guy goes into the Job Centre in Brisbane and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes over to the counter to learn more.

    "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the bloke behind the desk.

    The Job Centre assistant sorts through his files and replies, "OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynecologist."

    "You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. You then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist examination"

    "There's an annual salary of $115,000, but you're going to have to go to Darwin"

    "Darwin!!!" the guy said in surprise, "Why Darwin? Is that where the job's at?"

    "No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue!"

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23th Aug 2020 - Obscure information Click here to vote for Geronimo

South-west USA Indian culture

The corona lockdown provides the opportunity to read thicker books than usual. I came across one called Collapse - How societies choose to fail or survive. by Jared Diamond sitting in the Patterson River GC members library.

In it Diamond does an analysis of how societies collapse and the parameters for this to happen. He finds five sets of parameters which can cause a society to collapse.

  1. Damage to the local environment by the society;
  2. climate change (not necessarily anthromorphic);
  3. hostile neighbours;
  4. reduced support from friendly neighbours;
  5. the response of the society to the problem.

He then discusses eight societies who have collapsed and how his theoretical parameters applied to that society.

Having looked at Easter Island, Pitcairn & Henderson Islands I've just got into the Anasazi society of SW USA and have learnt a range of items which were astonishing to me.

In particular he describes the Anasazi (a Navajo name for "The old people") society in the Chaco Canyon, an absolutely barren eroded area now.

  1. Archaeologists have been able to date activities in this area by by tree ring analysis. By examining a large number of samples they have been able to identify the growth sequence with season going back hundreds of years, such that they can accurately predict the year a beam in a building was logged.
  2. There is an animal called a packrat which inhabited the relevant area and due the dry climate, it's nests have survived and can be analysed for plant content and dates. From this information it becomes clear the area was treed before the arrival of the Indians and their activities for building, firewood etc. eventually removed the tree cover.
  3. Chaco image not found
    Some of buildings from the Anazasi culture.
    A search of Google images will show many more items of remarkable construction by the Anazasi.
    The society died out largely from a drought around 1130AD when there is evidence of starvation and cannibalism.
  4. Some 600 years later Navajo sheepherders moved into the area and found abandoned buildings with up to 600 rooms.

I haven't finished the whole book, but it seems to me from what I've read so far, the most critical item and not listed by Diamond is over-population.

If you have an interest in history and time to read nearly 600 pages, this book is well worth a read.

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22nd August 2020 - Some operatic music Click here to remember them.

A few popular opera extracts

As a youth I had access to a pianola. Although I'd had no idea what opera was, I found, amongst my favourites, rolls with weird names like La Traviata, Rigaletto and Il Trovatore

It was only many years later I came to understand the music was by Verdi and they were extracts of tunes from his operas of those names. So here are the classic songs from each of those and a number of other operatic masterpieces.

Rigaletto - La Donna e Mobile.

Probably the most famous song in Opera. Verdi's tune has been adopted for a very wide range of activities.

Il Trovatore - Anvil chorus

Another tune widely used by the advertising industry.

La Traviata - Drinking song

I first came to appreciate this when watching Zeffirellie's film of La Traviata which put context to music I'd only heard on record, or pianola. 

Aida - Triumphal march

Casanova - Nuns chorus

Lakme - The bell song

Tannhauser - Overture

If you've never listened to Wagner's music before, this is not a bad place to start. Somewhere about the fifth hearing you may start to like it. It's very quiet at the start.

Rigaletto - Caro nome

This is sung by Dame Nellie Melba, and as may be expected of a recording made in her era it's quite scratchy and absolutely reminds me of hearing it in the 1950s on a bakelite 78 disk with a cheap record player, but here for historical purposes.

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21st Aug 2020 - Some musical memories Click here find something alse

Some classic songs

Edith Piaf - Non Je ne regrette rien

Julio Iglesias - Mona Lisa

Loretta Lynn - One's on the way

Chorus - Tipperary

A bonus classic addition.
London Symphony Orchestra - Prokofieff: Piano Concerto 1

In the classical music world there are a number of well known Piano Concertos, Tchaikovsky's first, Beethoven's fifth, Brahm's first, Rachmaninoff's first, Greig's first, etc. This one is less well known, but should be.

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Alternative thoughts about computers

Any one who has used a computer will know that from time to time things go wrong, files go missing or get corrupted etc.

In Japan, they've replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poetry messages.

Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only 3 lines and 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third.

Haikus are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through the essence of Zen.

So here are some samples as related to computers.

  • Your file was big.
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.
  • The Web site you seek
    Cannot be located, but
    Countless more exist.
  • Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.
  • Program aborting:
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask far too much.
  • Windows has crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.
  • Yesterday it worked.
    Today it is not working.
    Windows is like that.
  • First snow, then silence.
    This thousand dollar screen dies
    So beautifully
  • With searching comes loss
    And the presence of absence:
    "My Novel" not found.
  • The Tao that is seen
    Is not the true Tao-until
    You bring fresh toner.
  • Stay the patient course.
    Of little worth is your ire.
    The network is down
  • A crash reduces
    Your expensive computer
    To a simple stone
  • Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.
  • You step in the stream,
    But the water has moved on.
    This page is not here
  • Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.
  • Having been erased,
    The document you're seeking
    Must now be retyped.
  • Serious error.
    All shortcuts have disappeared.
    Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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20th Aug 2020 - Men's privileges Click here to apply for a sex transformation

Memories of an earlier age
I'm sorry for doubting you.
I guess I can shop by myself

Secretary Jeff passed this on. Have you got anything to add to the 'Keep in Contact' pages? Send it to me for rapid deployment.

Men's privileges

  • Men Are Just Happier People --What do you expect from such simple creatures?
  • Your last name stays put.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • You can never be pregnant.
  • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  • You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • The world is your urinal.
  • You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
  • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  • Same work, more pay.
  • Wrinkles add character.
  • Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental $100.
  • People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  • New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  • One mood all the time.
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  • You know stuff about tanks.
  • A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  • Your underwear is $12.99 for a five-pack.
  • Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  • You almost never have strap problems in public.
  • You are unable to see creases in your clothes.
  • Everything on your face stays its original colour.
  • You only have to shave your face and neck.
  • You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
  • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
  • You only need four items in a bathroom: toothbrush & toothpaste, razor and a towel

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19th Aug 2020 - Treat them humanely Click here to sponsor a fanatic

Canadian Prisoner care

A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.
She apparently received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2


Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint!

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defense

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18th Aug 2020 - The Satnav Click here to buy a Melways

The Satnav

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

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17th Aug 2020 - Boarding the bus Click here to zip up your fly

Boarding the bus

At a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Queenslander who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, ""How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Queenslander smiled and drawled, "Well, normally I would agree with you, "but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

A bed time story

As could be expected the Corona virus has led to the writing of new bed-time stories. Ron Wells has sent me this.

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