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Veterans Golf Club of Victoria

We are on the way to 'Normal'


The end

Today marks the completion of 8 months since I started these 'Keep in Touch' pages. In view of the fact that for the moment Victoria seems to have the Corona Virus under control and that we have now successfully completed two matches there will be the no more new pages for the foreseeable future.

I hope everybody has received as much pleasure from them as I have in putting them together.

10th Dec 2020 - How to be politically correct Click here to register your disgust at those who choose to be insulted

How to be politically correct

Being concerned at the implications of upsetting people who choose to be upset a person consulted a qualified legal consultant on how to word a seasonal greeting such that no recipient would be offended.

So here is a complimentary greeting which can be used to avoid offence to any recipient:

Greeting content

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2021, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, thinking ability, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

Best Regards (without prejudice)

Name withheld (Privacy Act).


This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

And here's the best of my remaining Prince Phillip snippets

  • Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics?

  • It seems to me that it's the best way of wasting money that I know of. I don't think investments on the moon pay a very high dividend.

  • Ah good, there's so many over there you feel they breed them just to put in orphanages.

  • Have you run over anybody?

  • Aren't most of you descended from pirates?

  • If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed.

  • It is frequently more rewarding merely to ask pertinent questions. It may get someone to go and look for an answer. If you get a silly answer, which can easily happen, you can return to the charge with even more telling effect. Whatever happens, don't give up and don't despair. Results may not be immediately apparent, but you may have touched a receptive chord without knowing it. Even the most unsympathetic and unenlightened politician, industrialist or bureaucrat begins to take notice when a lot of people write about the same subject.

Quoted from Prince Phillip

Bureaucracy in action

At the last minute I couldn't resist adding this little event:

I am Secretary of a local Table Tennis Club which plays in the Edithvale Uniting Church Hall. The Church no longer uses the hall or church buildings and is planning to sell them. I thought it could be desirable for the Council to buy the site and keep it available to the community, not just table tennis so through a Councillor initiated an inquiry as to this possibility. On following up the outcome of this query the following has happened:

  • The Council contacted State Sport and Recreation for their assistance
  • Sport and Recreation contacted Table Tennis Victoria for their advice and to see if they could suggest a new place for us to play.
  • Table Tennis Victoria contacted the South Eastern Table Tennis Association (SETTA, the Association in which we lay competition) to see if they knew a place for us to play.
  • South Eastern Table Tennis Association contacted me to see if I could suggest a place to play. (This last bit was somewhat 'Tongue-in-cheek' as I'm on the SETTA Committee and they knew about all this from Committee discussions!)
  • Council have now contacted me seeking further information.

And to close down, here is a repeat of what to me was the highlight of these pages.

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9th Dec 2020 - Military boasting Click here to book the dentist

Even Tom Clancy wouldn't believe this

Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77,just south of Kingsville, Texas. 

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off. 

Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite tree tops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to an F15 which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Air Force home base location in Kingsville.

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back as follows:

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your letter received yesterday.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the F15 had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your radar equipment which matched the criteria for being hostile. Hence it automatically sent a jamming signal back to it shutting it down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, responded to the missile system alert status and overrode the automated defense system before the missile was launched. Had he not done this, it is likely your equipment and staff would have been obliterated.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

In addition, we noted that the sergeant holding the radar gun has a loose filling in his lower right wisdom tooth and the clip on his holster is worn.

Yours respectfully,

Captain R McDonald,

Commander, Kingsville Air Force Base

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

Quoted from Bob Hope

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8th Dec 2020 - Ancient philosophy Click here for more information

Plato's principles

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Just before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.  The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No." the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed."

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

""No, not really.""

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?

The man departed, somewhat bewildered and slightly humiliated.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that his wife and Diogenes were committing adultery.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

Quoted from Groucho Marx

Horse sense is the good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.

Quoted from W C Fields

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7th Dec 2020 - Some explanations you can live without Click here for a memory check

Stray explanations

  • In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. - Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
  • Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was Invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen, Only Ladies Forbidden' - and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English Age.
  • The first couple to be shown in bed together in prime time USA TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
  • When first invented Coca-Cola was green.
  • The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: £10,120.00 (presumably this applies to the UK in some historical year.)
  • The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
  • Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
    1. Spades - King David
    2. Hearts- Charlemagne
    3. Clubs-Alexander, the Great
    4. Diamonds - Julius Caesar
  • 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
  • And lastly the text below should be legible despite its modern spelling:

    I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdmig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mffaer in want oredr the Itteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tiling is taht the first and last Iffeer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still reed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not reed ervey Iteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

I just wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated in an animal whose species had been so reduced in numbers than it was in danger of extinction. What would be its feelings toward the human species whose population explosion had denied it somewhere to exist. I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus.

Quoted from Prince Phillip

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

Quoted from W C Fields

What have future generations ever done for us?

Quoted from Groucho Marx

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6th December. 2020 - More ambiguities Click here if you aren't confused.

Continuing with the idiosyncrasies of English.

I found some more interesting aspects of English in my database, so here we go.

Continued from Monday

  • The bandage was wound around the wound.
  • The farm was used to produce produce.
  • The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  • We must polish the Polish furniture.
  • He will lead the team to remove the lead.
  • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  • I did not object to the object.
  • The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  • There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  • They were too close to the door to close it.
  • A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  • Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  • I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  • How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
  • The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  • It will be all right if you write to the right address.

  • I can still chase women, only downhill.
  • A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. .
  • Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.
  • I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do? .

Quoted from Bob Hope

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5th Dec 2020 - Slow down Click here for a reality check

The lady driver

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 kph. He says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

The officer replies, "I know you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving so much slower than the speed limit is a serious danger to yourself and other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time,"

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. Car not foundWe just got off Highway 189."

I'm not very good at being a performing monkey.


As long as I do not take myself too seriously, I should not be too badly off.

Quoted from Prince Charles

British women can't cook.

Quoted from Prince Phillip

My brother thinks he's a chicken. We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Quoted from Groucho Marx

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4th Dec 2020 - The complete salesman Click here to buy your bible online

Salesmanship at its most persuasive

A pastor noted that his church was running short of cash. Checking in the church storeroom, he discovered several unopened cartons of new bibles. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to help.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer with a speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage him, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seats of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack, " the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What's this?" he exclaimed, "Louie, there's $1200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 120 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison." We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 5 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "Can you tell us how you did this?"

Louie shrugged and stammered, "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know financial-financial-financial-for sh-sh-sh-sure."

Peter interupted, impatiently, "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,

W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten d-d-dolars ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

It is an old cliche to say that the future is in the hands of the young. This is no longer true. The quality of life to be enjoyed or the existence to be survived by our children and future generations is in our hands now.

A new criterion has been added, the conservation of the environment so that in the long run life, including human life, can continue. This new consideration must be taken into account at all levels and in all departments of government and in the boardrooms of every industrial enterprise. It is no longer sufficient simply to quantify the elements of existence as in old-fashioned material economics; conservation means taking notice of the quality of existence as well. The problem is of course to give some value to that quality and perhaps the only way to do this is to try and work out the cost in terms of loss of amenities, loss of holiday and recreation facilities, loss of property values, loss of contact with nature, loss of health standards and loss of food resources, if proper conservation methods are not used. Looked at in that light it may well turn out that money spent on proper pollution control, urban and rural planning and the control of exploitation of wild stocks of plants or animals on land and in the sea, is the less expensive alternative in the long run. The conservation of nature, the proper care for the human environment and a general concern for the long-term future of the whole of our planet are absolutely vital if future generations are to have a chance to enjoy their existence on this earth..

Quoted from Prince Phillip

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.

Quoted from Bob Hope

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3rd December. 2020 - USA needs help Click here to donate.

The USA is in trouble.

Not only can't they convince Trump he lost, but the following items have been noted.

  • An American received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
  • CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
  • Exon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  • A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of coins while she danced.
  • A Mormon was seen with only one wife.
  • If the bank returns a cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
  • McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
  • Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
  • Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
  • My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
  • A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
  • A picture is now only worth 200 words.
  • The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Quoted from Groucho Marx

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2nd Dec 2020 - Sleep for marrieds Click here for quick snooze

Share and share alike

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies, "Just for tonight - let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! - That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Then get your own blanket."


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, grab my wife and say, 'It's time for sex' and she's always sound asleep."

I'm not very good at being a performing monkey.


As long as I do not take myself too seriously, I should not be too badly off.

Quoted from Prince Charles

I just wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated in an animal whose species had been so reduced in numbers than it was in danger of extinction. What would be its feelings toward the human species whose population explosion had denied it somewhere to exist... I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus.

Quoted from Prince Phillip

What have future generations ever done for us?

Quoted from Groucho Marx

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1st December. 2020 - More ambiguities Click here if you aren't confused.

Continuing with the idiosyncrasies of English.

There are thousands of quotes, samples of which can be seen here over the last few months. Even when they make enormous sense, they are largely given special relevance by the person making them being famous on other grounds.

Here are some short sentences which don't rely on the author being known. They are for those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English.

Continued from yesterday

  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock service station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  • How do they get wombats to cross the road only at those road signs?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Quoted from Groucho Marx

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Boring eh?