Today marks the completion of 8 months since I started these 'Keep in Touch' pages. In view of the fact that for the moment Victoria seems to have the Corona Virus under control and that we have now successfully completed two matches there will be the no more new pages for the foreseeable future.
I hope everybody has received as much pleasure from them as I have in putting them together.
Being concerned at the implications of upsetting people who choose to be upset a person consulted a qualified legal consultant on how to word a seasonal greeting such that no recipient would be offended.
So here is a complimentary greeting which can be used to avoid offence to any recipient:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2021, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, thinking ability, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
Best Regards (without prejudice)
Name withheld (Privacy Act).
And here's the best of my remaining Prince Phillip snippets
At the last minute I couldn't resist adding this little event:
I am Secretary of a local Table Tennis Club which plays in the Edithvale Uniting Church Hall. The Church no longer uses the hall or church buildings and is planning to sell them. I thought it could be desirable for the Council to buy the site and keep it available to the community, not just table tennis so through a Councillor initiated an inquiry as to this possibility. On following up the outcome of this query the following has happened:
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77,just south of Kingsville, Texas.
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite tree tops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to an F15 which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Air Force home base location in Kingsville.
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.
The reply came back as follows:
Thank you for your letter received yesterday.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the F15 had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your radar equipment which matched the criteria for being hostile. Hence it automatically sent a jamming signal back to it shutting it down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, responded to the missile system alert status and overrode the automated defense system before the missile was launched. Had he not done this, it is likely your equipment and staff would have been obliterated.
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
In addition, we noted that the sergeant holding the radar gun has a loose filling in his lower right wisdom tooth and the clip on his holster is worn.
Captain R McDonald,
Commander, Kingsville Air Force Base
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Just before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No." the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed."
Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
""No, not really.""
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?
The man departed, somewhat bewildered and slightly humiliated.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
I found some more interesting aspects of English in my database, so here we go.
Continued from Monday
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 kph. He says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
The officer replies, "I know you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving so much slower than the speed limit is a serious danger to yourself and other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time,"
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
A pastor noted that his church was running short of cash. Checking in the church storeroom, he discovered several unopened cartons of new bibles. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to help.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer with a speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage him, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seats of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack, " the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What's this?" he exclaimed, "Louie, there's $1200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 120 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison." We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 5 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "Can you tell us how you did this?"
Louie shrugged and stammered, "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know financial-financial-financial-for sh-sh-sh-sure."
Peter interupted, impatiently, "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,
W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten d-d-dolars ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
Not only can't they convince Trump he lost, but the following items have been noted.
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies, "Just for tonight - let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! - That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Then get your own blanket."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, grab my wife and say, 'It's time for sex' and she's always sound asleep."
There are thousands of quotes, samples of which can be seen here over the last few months. Even when they make enormous sense, they are largely given special relevance by the person making them being famous on other grounds.
Here are some short sentences which don't rely on the author being known. They are for those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English.
Continued from yesterday