We were golfing again!!
But, back to waiting!!
Remembering that our Club is a Social and Golf Club I added this page to the web site to help us through the Corona Virus shutdown and to maintain the Club in our lives.
At the moment this page is being updated daily with new jokes, music, videos, discussion points or Club chit chat. But more of everything, particularly personal stories needs to come from members. When you read this consider putting finger to keyboard and tell us something as your contribution.
We'll finish the month with another short page. This will leave room in our minds to cope with a couple of nice long speeches due next month.
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This fat, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my bum and said, "You're kind of cute; you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah. You gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I gotta pen."
I said, "You’d better get back in it before the farmer misses you!"
The name Pankhurst is famous when looking into the movement for women's suffrage. In fact part of the reason for this was that not only Emmeline, but her daughters Chistobel, Adela and Sylvia were active in the movement.
Emmeline delivered this speech in Hartford, Connecticut on November 13 1913
I have a large collection of quotes from Albert Einstein. As you can imagine, Einstein was very rational and an advocate of peace. I thought of creating a page for his quotes, but ultimately have decided to serve them up one by one. They will appear at the bottom of the page till they run out! Thinking about this, I came up with two other people whose public utterances intrigue me, so don't be surprised if Prince Charles and his Dad turn up form time to time as well as Einstein.
After another social history yesterday today only needs a couple of blondes.
A blonde is driving down the road. She notices she is low on fuel so stops at a service station. While filling the tank she notices she's locked her keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay she asks to borrow a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while inside the car another blonde is saying:
"A little more to the left, a little up!".
Jack Patten was born at Moama on the New South Wales side of the Murray River in 1905 and went to school at Cummeragunja reserve, later becoming the first president of the Aborigines Progressive Association (APA). He delivered this speech at the Australian Hall on Elizabeth Street in Sydney at the first Day of Mourning protest:
Those who read Mandela's speech from a few days ago will find remarkable similarities in the request made by Jack Patten, yet the chances of any of us except professional historians being aware of this is very low. Eighty years later about all the political progress that has been made is the 1968 referendum and the 'Stolen Generation' apology and today we are in the midst of the 'Black Lives Matter' protests related in Australia to the 'Deaths in Custody'.
After yesterday's marathon today only has a couple of quickies.
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes *Whack!* "Darn!", but a bad skydiver goes "Darn!" *WHACK!*
Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing. Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing' in the rain!".
Nelson Mandela (1918-2013) was born the son of a Tembu tribal chieftain at Qunu, near Umtata, in South Africa. He renounced his right to succeed his father and instead chose a political career. He attended college, became a lawyer, joined the African National Congress (ANC) in 1944 and helped found its powerful Youth League.
In 1962, he was arrested by South African security police for his opposition to the white government and its apartheid ("separateness") policies of racial, political, and economic discrimination against the nonwhite majority. In 1964, the government brought further charges including sabotage, high treason and conspiracy to overthrow the government.
This is Mandela's statement from the dock at the opening of his defense in the 1964 trial and again it is quite long.
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.".
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack.".
Hamlet's famous statement "To be or not to be, that is the question" gets its answer in the rest of the soliloquy.
To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole. "Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion. "Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."
They walk up to the house and knock on the door. "Come on in," a voice in the house says. The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window.A man sits on the couch. When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?" "Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks. "Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "Exactly how old is your husband?"
"31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!".
Churchill's famous speech on June 18th was designed to convince the British that despite previous blunders, that they would still win the war against Germany. It was a masterpiece of propaganda with a fantastic ending.
The speech is long, but it's ending is the bit everyone remembers.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair ever year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might not get another chance.
To this Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I will make you a deal. I will take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's Fifty dollars each."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over and, still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything possible to get you to yell out, but you didn't, I'm impressed.".
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!".
This exhortation to fight which Shakespeare wrote for the Henry V character to gee up his troops prior to the Battle of Agincourt in 1415 is one of the best known of his works.
It's a slow day in heaven, so Saint Peter decides to show a new guy around. Saint Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."
The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. Saint Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.
The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," Saint Peter replied, That's Donald Trumph's clock. We decided to use it as a fan.".
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped just short of the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the amazed pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he recovered his speech. The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"".