Veterans Golf Club of Victoria
Webmasters Preamble
Remembering that our Club is a Social and Golf Club I added these Keep in Contact pages to the web site to help us through the Corona Virus shutdown and to maintain the Club in our lives.
These Keep in Contact pages are being updated daily with new jokes, music, Club chit chat or anything which takes my fancy. But more of the chit chat needs to come from members. When you read this consider putting finger to keyboard and tell us something as your contribution.
Anything you provide may be sanitised for the sensitive or adorned with comment or enhanced with graphics.
Following the pattern of previous months page size is getting significant, so I've moved the first half of August to here.
50 shades of grey
The missus bought a paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag,
T'was "Fifty shades of grey".
well I just left her to it,
and at ten I went to bed.
an hour later she appeared.
the sight filled me with dread.
In her left she held a rope,
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago,
I might have had a peek,
But Mabel hasn't weathered well,
She's eighty-four next week!
Watching Mabel bump and grind,
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse,
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet,
A couple minutes later,
She put her teeth back in and said,
I am a dominater!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction,
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked,
Bent forward just a bit,
I went to hold her, sensual like,
And stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out,
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out,
"Step on the other one!"
All readers, I can't tell no more,
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
The cat in heaven
A cat died and went to the animal heaven. The receptionist met her at the gates and said, ""You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
"Say no more." Instantly the cat had a soft fluffy pillow.
A few days later, a large number mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. The receptionist met the mice at the gates with the same offer that she made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again"
"'It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, the receptionist called to check on the cat. She found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. Gently awakening the cat she asked, "'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little 'Meals on Wheels' you have been sending over are delicious!"
The dentist
My name is Alice smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school.
"Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner!" He beamed with pride.
"When did you leave to go to college?" I asked.
He answered, "in 1965. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, decrepit, dentist asked."What did you teach?"
Intellectual challenge
John Killmister sent this puzzle to me a couple of weeks ago, but it has not been published pending finalising the Bill Heron Collection yesterday.
Imagine the diagram as a sheet of paper. Fold the paper corners up such that the corners labelled b, c and d meet at a point above the label h. The question is: How high is the point where they meet above the surface?
Pregnancy management
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his pay.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ""Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a sagacious old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen"
Member news - Rod Goode
Rod Goode's friends both in and out the Vets Club will be aware of the more than two years Rod and Joan had of living in multiple locations over the period of building their new unit.
They did not expect an incompetent builder who he went broke not long after all the owners moved in.
Since then as the member of the Body Corporate with technical skills, Rod has been constantly working to fix things the builder should have done correctly in the first place including landscaping, stormwater recycling system, builders waste and electrical defects.
Amongst other items, the building had a large diesel generator to provide emergency power for fire protection. Rod observed that there were a number of unconnected wires in the sub-board. An expert was called in who reported that they had a very large "Ornament" in the basement! Now fixed! To add to this his 97 year old mother-in-law had a fall and is now in hospital. It has been very easy to keep busy in the Covid world!!
However all is well with his unit and he is very happy with it including the minimal energy required to keep warm during winter. Rod cannot remember his last game of golf as the local golf course is a sea of mud. He advised Joan had played and needed hours in the laundry to clean her clothes.
A collection of small golfing incidents
-
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Bluddy Jaysus," says the Irishman. "BMW thinks of everything."
-
The complient caddy
My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother.
"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him.
"How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five." answered the nephew.
"Okay." my brother said, "Let's go."
-
The eight iron
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Get me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron."
-
The complient secretary
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said,"You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
She replied, "Everything but my ear rings!"
The realities of golf
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
- No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
- The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
- Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot
Booking sheet management
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The doctor fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The pastor chimed in, ""I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The Engineer said, "Hey here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad, I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer asked, "Why can't they play at night?"
Black titled music
Following on from the theme of the blue titled music a little while ago I've looked for songs in my collection with Black in the title.
Doris Day gets to start with The Black Hills of Dakota.
Unkown brass band - Black note fantasy
Isobel Campbell &Mark Lanegan - Black Mountain
Julie London - Black coffee
Sellers Engineering Band - Black and white rag
Sammy Davis Jr - That old black magic
Miles Davis - Bye bye blackbird
Ronnie Ronalde - If I were a blackbird
Dolly and the Queen
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel advises them, "Unfortunately, there's only one available space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity. **"
The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The angel immediately said, "Ok, Your Majesty, you may go into Heaven"
Dolly was outraged and asked, ""What was that about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
"** The culture of this site does not allow use of an image of the aforementioned bodily parts."
A collection of thoughts about golf
-
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely an attempt to do the same thing"
- Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
- Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
- If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
- Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
- The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'
- A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers - neither of whom can putt very well.
- An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
- Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
- If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.
- Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
- Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
- The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Debt recovery
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million dollars.
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear and say nothing that could later be used against his Boss.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million that he embezzled from me is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
Enzo signs back, " OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge! "
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Welsh women
I was in a bar Saturday night and I noticed two large women next to me by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, ""Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's all I remember.
Disgruntled Former Lexicographers
Claim: Disgruntled Random House employee sneaks unusual definition of 'mutton' into the publisher's 1999 dictionary.
Mutton (mut'n), n. [Middle English, from Old French mouton, moton, from Medieval Latin multo, multon-, of Celtic origin.] 1.The flesh of fully grown sheep. 2. A glove with four fingers. 3. Two discharged muons. 4. Seven English tons. 5. One who mutinies. 6. To wear a dog. 7. A fastening device on a mshirt or mblouse. 8. Fuzzy underwear for ladies. 9. A bacteria-resistant amoeba with an attractive do. 10. To throw a boomerang weekly. 11. Any kind of lump. (slang) 12. A hundred mittens. 13. An earthling who has been taken over by an alien. 14. The smallest whole particle in the universe, so small you can hardly see it. 15. A big, nasty cut on the hand. 16. The rantings of a flibbertigibbet. 17. My wife never supported me. 18. It was as though I worked my whole life and it wasn't enough for her. 19. My children think I'm a nerd. 20. In architecture, a bad idea. 21. Define this, you nitwits. 22. To blubber one's finger over the lips while saying, 'bluh.' 23. I would like to take a trip to the seaside, where no one knows me. 24. I would like to be walking on the beach when a beautiful woman passes by. 25. She would stop me and ask me what I did for a living. 26. I would tell her I am a lexicographer. 27. She would say, "Oh, you wild boy." Exactly that, not one word different. 28. Then she would ask me to define our relationship, which at that point would be one minute old. I would demur. But she would say, "Oh please define this second for me right now." 29. I would look at her and say, "Mutton." 30. She would swoon. Because I would say it in a slight Spanish accent, at which I am very good. 31. I would take her hand and she would notice me feeling her wedding ring. I would ask her whom she is married to. She would say, "A big cheese at Random House." 32. I would take her to my motel room, and teach her the meaning of love. 33. I would use the American Heritage, out of spite, and read all the definitions. 34. Then I would read out of the Random House some of my favorites among those that I worked on: "the" (just try it); "blue" (give it a shot, and don't use the word 'nanometer'). 35. I would make love to her according to the O.E.D., sixth definition. 36. We would call room service and order tagliolini without looking it up. 37. I would return her to the beach, and we would say good-bye. 38. Gibberish in e-mail. 39. A reading lamp with a lousy fifteen-watt bulb, like they have in Europe. Also: a. muttonchops: slicing sheep meat with the face. b. muttsam: sheep floating in the sea. c. muttonheads: the Random House people.
Editor's disclaimer: This is actually a humor piece by comedian Steve Martin
The Prime Minister's inspection
The British prime minister was being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he's shown into a ward populated by people with no obvious signs of injury or illness.
He greets the first patient who replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin'race!
Aboon them a' ye your palce
Paunch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm
"
He then greets the next patient who replies
"Some hae meat, and cana eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we ahe meat and we can ea,
And sae the Lord be thankit.
"
The third patient responds to the now confused Prime Minister as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beatie,
O' what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bikering brattle!
I was be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!
"
The Prime Minster turns to the Doctor and asks: "What is this, some sort of mental ward?"
"No." replies the Doctor: "It's the Bad Burns unit."
Why some men wear ear rings
Did you ever wonder why ear rings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, ""I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, ""So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"
An unusual assortment
Johny Ray had a unique style, so here are some of his songs to think about. It's interesting the change in society culture in that there were many objections to his emotional singing in the 1950s.
Cry
Such a night
Just walking in the rain
Ramerez Ariel - Misa Creola
Performed by Los Huances Hua this South American style church music should be approached with an open mind if you have post 1970's style noise in mind as being enjoyable.
Rome .
XXIX-X11-1 BC
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Year Zero problem?
This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at this last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he
could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
The moneylenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients take out loans.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately the won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Year Zero (Editor's note: The Romans are not known to be aware of a number zero) problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.
If you have any ideas please let me know,
Plutonius.
Weather Forecast - the Indigenous Way !
It was April and the Aboriginals in the remote part of Northern Australia ,asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he could not tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold, and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology, and asked, "Is the winter coming in this area going to be cold ?"
The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold."
So the elder went back to his people, and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again.
"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter."
The elder again went back to his community, and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood that they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again,"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely!" the man replied, "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, "Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign!"
