Veterans Golf Club of Victoria

Inspiring music

A few days ago we listened to Mahalia Jackson's inspiring 'Onwards Christian Soldiers'. This led my mind to another inspiring piece of music 'Le Marseillaise'. Naturally there are hundreds of versions around, and this is a good one particularly as it has French sub-titles for those who who struggle with French pronunciation.

Singing skills not available for the home entertainer, watch the video!

This is the seventh of Stan's videos. Danny Kaye and Satchmo combine for an entertaining go at the Saints

 

Why do we do it?

God: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."

St Francis: "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass."

God: "Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

St Francis: "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

God: "The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

St Francis: "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week."

God: "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

St Francis: "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

God: "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

St Francis: "No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

God: "Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? "

St Francis: "Yes, Sir."

God: "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

St Francis: "They pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

God: "What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life."

St Francis: "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away."

God: "No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?"

St Francis: "After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

God: "And where do they get this mulch?"

St Francis: "They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch."

God: " Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

St Catherine: "'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about...."

God: "Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis."

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Golf in the 1950s - The loving golfer

If you are like me you went through a childhood in the age when your parents were very good at Banjo Paterson. My father could sprout these poems for hours, stopping only for a cuppa. My favourite ended up being this one.

MULGA BILL'S BICYCLE

'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that caught the cycling craze;
He turned away the good old horse that served him many days;
He dressed himself in cycling clothes, resplendent to be seen;
He hurried off to town and bought a shining new machine;
And as he wheeled it through the door, with air of lordly pride,
The grinning shop assistant said, "Excuse me, can you ride?"

"See here, young man," said Mulga Bill, "from Walgett to the sea,
From Conroy's Gap to Castlereagh, there's none can ride like me.
I'm good all round at everything as everybody knows,
Although I'm not the one to talk - I hate a man that blows.
But riding is my special gift, my chiefest, sole delight;
Just ask a wild duck can it swim, a wildcat can it fight.
There's nothing clothed in hair or hide, or built of flesh or steel,
There's nothing walks or jumps, or runs, on axle, hoof, or wheel,
But what I'll sit, while hide will hold and girths and straps are tight:
I'll ride this here two-wheeled concern right straight away at sight."

'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that sought his own abode,
That perched above Dead Man's Creek, beside the mountain road.
He turned the cycle down the hill and mounted for the fray,
But 'ere he'd gone a dozen yards it bolted clean away.
It left the track, and through the trees, just like a silver steak,
It whistled down the awful slope towards the Dead Man's Creek.

It shaved a stump by half an inch, it dodged a big white-box:
The very wallaroos in fright went scrambling up the rocks,
The wombats hiding in their caves dug deeper underground,
As Mulga Bill, as white as chalk, sat tight to every bound.
It struck a stone and gave a spring that cleared a fallen tree,
It raced beside a precipice as close as close could be;
And then as Mulga Bill let out one last despairing shriek
It made a leap of twenty feet into the Dean Man's Creek.

'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that slowly swam ashore:
He said, "I've had some narrer shaves and lively rides before;
I've rode a wild bull round a yard to win a five-pound bet,
But this was the most awful ride that I've encountered yet.
I'll give that two-wheeled outlaw best; it's shaken all my nerve
To feel it whistle through the air and plunge and buck and swerve.
It's safe at rest in Dead Man's Creek, we'll leave it lying still;
A horse's back is good enough henceforth for Mulga Bill."

First published: The Sydney Mail, 25 July 1896.

Others I liked which may turn up are:

• A bush Christening
• The man from Ironbark
• Saltbush Bill's second fight

Further nominations from members will be published.

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Edinburgh Fringe Festival for 2017

These one liners were selected as amongst the best at the 2017 Edinburgh Fringe Festival

Frankie Boyle: "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book."

Alexei Sayle: "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?"

Lew Fitz: "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her.."

Jimeoin: "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it"

Andy Field: "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated."

Mark Symons: "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant."

Ed Byrne: "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house.".

Olaf Falafel: "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine."

Alasdair Beckett-King: "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!'"

Angela Barnes: "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event"

Adele Cliff: "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.".

Phil Wang: "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it."

Adam Hess: "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark."

The competition has now been running for 10 years. Here are some of the previous winners:

Tim Vine: "I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well, it was just collecting dust."

Darren Walsh: "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."

Rob Auton: "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

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Aircraft maintenance

This information was given to me by the builder of my first computer in the 1980s. He was an amateur pilot while not building computers, and he assured me these comments by the maintenance staff actually happened.

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Pilot: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Mechanic: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Pilot: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough."

Mechanic: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

Pilot: "Something loose in cockpit."

Mechanic: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Pilot: "Dead bugs on windshield."

Mechanic: " Live bugs on back-order."

Pilot: "Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent."

Mechanic: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Pilot: "Evidence of leak on right main landing gear."

Mechanic: "Evidence removed."

Pilot: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Mechanic: "DME volume set to more believable level."

Pilot: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."

Mechanic: "That's what friction locks are for."

Pilot: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Mechanic: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Pilot: "Suspected crack in windshield."

Mechanic: "Suspect you're right."

Pilot: "Number 3 engine missing."

Mechanic: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Pilot: "Aircraft handles funny."

Mechanic: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious."

Pilot: "Target radar hums."

Mechanic: "Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics."

Pilot: "Mouse in cockpit."

Mechanic: "Cat installed."

Pilot: "Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer."

Mechanic: "Took hammer away from midget."

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Golf in the 1950s - The commentator

Songs we never listened to

This is the eighth of Stan's videos. A researcher finds words we never knew in songs we thought we knew

 

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol or Paracetamol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbours are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

Clarifications about being old

1. 'Old' is when: Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
2. 'Old' is when: "Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot."
3. 'Old' is when: Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
4. 'Old' is when: "You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along."
5. 'Old' is when: You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
6. 'Old' is when: "'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot."
7. 'Old' is when: An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
8. 'Old' is when: "'You're not sure if these are facts or jokes."
9. 'Old' is when: 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

Earthing - some personal observations.

At the end of April there was a very short addition to this page suggesting searching Google for Earthing. I've little idea if anyone did or didn't.

I also noted I'd add some further information later and here it is.

My wife, Tricia, first saw an article about earthing in a seniors magazine and was intrigued by its possibilities for improving her sleep. She asked me to look at the information on the web and my reaction was that I could find no properly researched information.

However, there was a lot of anecdotal information mainly promulgated by persons or organisations with a product to sell. Some of the information appears to have derived from reasonably well conducted scientific research, but always on small test groups and rarely at a level which would pass peer review for a magazine like "The Lancet". The reports seem to establish that:

1. Electrical issues.

   • the surface of the earth is negatively charged;
   • relative to the earth, animal and human bodies are positively charged;
   • thus bodies in electrical contact with the earth are likely to receive a flow of electrons which are the negatively charged component of electricity;
   • in the last 100 years or so Western societies have moved from using animal based products which allow the passage of electrons to artificial materials which don't for the soles of their shoes;
   • the artifical materials are electrically non-conductive;
   • hence now our bodies, in general, remain more positively charged than the historical precedent.

2. Health issues.

   • in general the body's auto-immune system in responding to trauma from injury or disease creates inflammation;
   • under normal circumstances as the trauma is repaired, the immune system backs off, but in some cases the immune system continues in action and the inflamation remains as a problem;
   • increasing the flow of electrons to the body aids the immune system in closing down and hence can have a benefit to a person's health and feeling of well being.

3. A little bit of history.

   • A cabling contractor, Clifton Ober who was thoroughly versed in the need for proper grounding of electronic equipment devised grounding equipment which could be used by a human and found that using it resolved a number of chronic pain issues from which he suffered;
   • by word of mouth he found his grounding processes assisted numerous people in resolving pain and other wellness issues. Arthritis, blood pressure and sleep were all noted as being improved;
   • he did not have funding to carry out conventional double blind testing on large numbers of potential patients, but did find considerable acceptance of his ideas from various reputable medical practitioners;
   • many of these practitioners have publised papers on their observations in journals such as the 'Journal of Alternative Medicine' and this type of information will be found with the Google searches I suggested;
   • some of the research looks quite convincing in demonstrating particular body organs inclusive of blood viscosity can be affected by the Earthing process.

4. How to earth.

   • The concept of Earthing is to make electrical contact with the earth;
   • the easiest way of doing this is to walk barefoot. Paddling, particularly in salt water is about the most effective way of doing it. Cost: possible cold feet. Sitting on (preferably wet) grass: Cost: possible cold bottom;
   • probably all of us as children loved barefoot paddling and the argument is that this was at least partly attributable to us being earthed;
   • other means (the commercial ones) are by sitting or lying on an electrically conductive and earthed cloth. The earthing is usually done via the earth wire in a power point.

5. Personal experience.

   • Tricia purchased an Earthing blanket which is about the width of a single bed and we have put that across our bed so that we sleep with it under our torso, but not legs. We have since aslo purchased an Earthing mat;
   • on delivery the blanket came with a documentation sheet to record aspects of our general wellness before and after sleeping on the blanket;
   • Tricia has observed over a couple of months a significant improvement in her sleep patterns. I have observed a difference in my sleep in that I spend more time soundly asleep;
   • both of us are visiting the loo less often during the night;
   • I find that the area of my body touching the blanket feels warm, somewhat like an electric blanket on low heat. One coldish night I sat with my bare feet on the earthing mat and they felt quite warm such that I didn't arrive at the bed later suffering cold feet.

So there it is. What you do about it is entirely up to you.

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Golf in the 1950s - he rules stickler

Health and safety - impact on childrens stories

Fact - Jack and the beanstalk

Health and safety rules prevented Jack from climbing even part of the way up a beanstalk in a London stage production. Regulations prohibited throwing boiled sweets into the audience in case someone is hit. They used bags of potato chips.

Lets's extend these thoughts to other scenarios. There are quite a lot of them.

Cinderella

Cinderella's sisters were today convicted of keeping a slave.  Cinderella's cobbler was convicted of making unsafe footwear - her slippers were made of glass. Cinderella is charged with several breaches of the Road Safety Act: failing to register her carriage, failing to have adequate vehicle insurance, failure to display head lights, tail lights and stop lights, failure to have a second independent braking system, failing to re-register the new vehicle after significant modifications made it into a pumpkin, and being unlicensed in charge of a carriage.

Three little pigs

The three little pigs were convicted of constructing dwellings contrary to the Building Code, failing to get building permits, and a number of minor building offences. The Big Bad Wolf has been convicted of vandalism.

The seven dwarves

Six of the Seven Dwarfs have been charged with a number of sexual offences. It is alleged that they used the date rape drug GBH to render a victim who can only be identified as SW unconscious. The matter has been adjourned to a date to be set. Only Dopey was not charged. Police say that he has diminished responsibility due to mental incapacity, and was led astray by others.

Hansel and Gretel

Gretel has been charged with murder by baking, and Hansel is charged with being an accomplice. Both have been charged with littering, leaving bread. Police sources say that in view of the murder charges, it is likely that the littering charge will be dropped. Gretel is due to appear on a television cooking show.

The tooth fairy

The Tooth Fairy is under investigation for practising dentistry when unqualified to do so, and being an unlicensed second-hand dealer.

Mr S Claus

A Mr S Claus has been criticised in right-leaning publications for giving presents. Commentators have said that a better solution is if people bought gifts, as this will have a greater economic effect. Mr Claus was unavailable for comment, but it is believed he is more concerned with global warming and habitat loss - his. Concerns have been raised about the balance of payments implications of his gifts.  It is also alleged that Mr Claus has employed under-age workers. Enquiries are proceeding.

Police have said that all sleighs on the ground must display head and tail lights. When it was pointed out that this will mean that Rudolph will have to run backwards at the rear and a new reindeer with a white nose will have to be found, a Police spokeswoman said that how the law was implemented was not their concern. It is believed that in view of his long and excellent record, Mr Claus will be given a warning. He is also under investigation for alleged offences relating to flying in controlled air space.

Dick Whittington

Dick Whittington is charged with exporting an animal, a cat, without adequate or any veterinary check. Questions have been asked by the RSPCA about the suitability of the cat's accommodation on the ship.  Whittington is also charged with being an accomplice to importing significant amounts of gold without paying import duties.

Dumbo and others

Dumbo, Spider Man, Wonder Woman, Superman and a large number of super-heroes have been charged with breaching air traffic regulations.  Dumbo said that he intended to throw himself on the mercy of the court. Miss Mercy Adams, the clerk of courts, was visibly upset.  Superman, the spokesman for the super-heroes, said "What are they going to do if we're found guilty?" A cleaning team was busy after Dumbo left the court.

Dorothy

Dorothy has been convicted of breaching air safety regulations, failing to carry a valid passport, and not submitting a dog to quarantine. It is also alleged that she had a menage a quatre, including an animal. Her defence that she was following the yellow brick road was not allowed.

The old woman

An old woman who lived in a shoe has been convicted of a number of offences relating to keeping too many children in her "residence."  Visibly distressed, the woman said that she was only trying to do the right thing for the children, who will be sent to foster homes.

The Cook

The cook who baked four and twenty blackbirds in a pie has been convicted of breaching food laws and bird cruelty.

The Emporer

In the highest profile case so far, the Emperor has been convicted of indecent exposure. People who watched him walk naked in the street thought that it was a bizarre form of reality television, and were not very concerned. One woman, barely able to control her laughter, said that in view of the evidence the charge should be a small one. The Emperor said that it was very cold.

Goldi Locks

A Miss Goldi Locks is under a cloud after she was charged with having relations with three members of the Bear family: the father, son, and, most intriguingly, the mother. Miss Locks asserts that she was tired, but there is forensic evidence that she has been sleeping in multiple beds. Medical tests are pending. It is also alleged that Miss Locks stole food.

Little Bo Peep

Little Bo Peep has been convicted of stock theft, to wit, sheep. Her testimony that the sheep were lost was strongly contested by the prosecution.

The pied piper

The Pied Piper has been convicted of kidnap, over 1100 counts. His defence said that the children followed him voluntarily, and that no force was used. Mr Piper's lawyer said that he will be seeking an appeal and a plea-bargain: if the children are returned then the conviction should be overturned. He added that there was no complaint when his client rid Hamelin of rats, which will be returned with the children. A civil suit for breach of contract against the Mayor and Corporation has been lodged.

Robin Hood et al.

Robin Hood has been charged with rape. It is alleged that he made Marion against her will, but Will Scarlet denies all knowledge. Friar Tuck has been charged with Spoonerism. The entire band has been charged with theft, demanding money with menaces, assault, kidnap, and having terrible legs in tights.

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Firstly to remind Donald of home.

Copper wire was apparently invented by 2 Scotsmen arguing over a penny.

Health and safety - The Costco doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, ""My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9);
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7);
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
   Thank you for shopping at Costco.

Why I'm depressed.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Whitlam said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Gillard has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, put Camels in plain packaging, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

"I was truly depressed last night thinking about the Carbon Tax, Economy, Wars, lost jobs, Unions, Savings, Pensions &Super funds. So I called a suicide hotline. I had to press "1" for English, and I was connected to a Call Centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck."

Both the Liberal Party and the Institute of Public Affairs deny originating the comments about Whitlam and Gillard.