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Veterans Golf Club of Victoria

Webmasters Preamble

Remembering that our Club is a Social and Golf Club I added this page to the web site to help us through the Corona Virus shutdown and to maintain the Club in our lives.

At the moment these Keep in Contact pages are being updated daily with new jokes or Club chit chat. But more of the chit chat needs to come from members. When you read this consider putting finger to keyboard and tell us something as your contribution.

Anything you provide may be sanitised for the sensitive but otherwise published unadorned.

10th May 2020

The page is getting too big, so this is the April material and later items will be on month based pages.

30th April 2020 - Help yourself with Tom Jones Click here to go for a walk

Bits of virus information.

Bill Gates.

In 2005 Bill Gates predicted a pandemic in a paper at the World Health Assembly.

I saw the video of the speech a few weeks ago but can't find it again. However the text can be seen here.

Searching for the video led to lots of other references to Bill Gates warning of a pandemic. Governments, naturally think it's far more important to spend money on armaments than medicine, so now we see the results of ignoring these types of warning.

Particularly there are reports of a further warning in 2015 and of Gates speaking with Trump and Morrison about these issues.

Shi Zenghli

I doubt if her name will be familiar, but the link here may explain why she should be.

Now for a better view of dealing with the virus threat.

Help yourself with Tom Jones

This is the third of Stan's videos. A complete guide to living at home during the corona virus.

29th April 2020 - Hole in one sequence Click here to call the ambulance

Golf in the 1950s

The third golfer cartoon.

Ball not found
Would it be unreasonable to walk to the Clubhouse (this is the 1950's) and ring for an ambulance?

28th April 2020 - The club specialist Click here to to fit it in the boot

Golf in the 1950s

Ball not found

27th April 2020 - Stranded with help Click here to hire a modem

Stranded - with help

A young man boarded a cruise ship to see the Caribbean. It was his first cruise, the experience of his life.

But a sudden hurricane caught the crew unprepared and the ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a small boat. Paddling it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months.  She was tall, smiling, and her long hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She paddled towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She said, "I paddled from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."

"I also landed on this island when my cruise ship sank., he said." I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the boat? You must have been really lucky to have a boat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me" she said, "and the boat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the boat?".

"Oh, no problem", replied the woman, "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but", said the man "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem", replied the woman. " on the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.  I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that.  Where do you live?

The man was obliged to say he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's go over to my place", she said. They both got into the boat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily paddled them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much", she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No, one more coconut juice and I will puke."

""It won't be coconut juice, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No, I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship"

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room.  There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.

"You look great, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable"

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves, and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me." she said "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Oh. Yes there is". the man replied "Please, could you get my email?"

26th April 2020 - Google 'Earthing' Click here to feel young again


For the moment you are left to Google Earthing for your own curiosity.

Later, I'll add some more information from personal experience.


In response to the request for member input, Lance Bolam has advised:

Good Evening Laurie
Thank you for yr mail "April Newsletter "....
I will strike whilst the Favourite song is fairly new .
I have never been an English Soccer Fan ..but some 35 years ago Edith and I were driving around G.B ...and our son asked us to visit Liverpool and get one of their scarves and hats.
Well we got tickets for the game - and that is how I have always loved their Anthem - "You`ll never walk alone". Passionate and makes their supporters unbelievable. It was recorded by Gerry and the Pacemakers in the late 60` at the Abbey Road Studios made famous by the Beatles.

Take care, hope the golfing resumes in Victoria by mid may !!!!!


The song warrants a few versions - so here they are - take your choice. First, Jerry and the Pacemakers.

And second, the original closing version by Julie and the Chorus from the Broadway cast of Carousel

And third, by Doris Day

And fourth, by Bryn Terfel

And then, the truly operatic version by Kiri Te Kanawa

And lastly, the original from the Broadway cast

25th April 2020 - Travel destinations can't always meet our needs Click here to close the travel guides

Travel complaints

Travel agencies like Thomas Cook receive a variety of complaints. Here's a few of them to remind us of what might have been.

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

"A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel inadequate"

"A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the do not disturb sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room."

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"There was no egg slicer in the apartment."

"We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

"The roads were uneven.

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad'."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

24th April 2020 - Golf with Fred Astaire Click here if you can't do it yourself

Golf with a flair by Fred Astaire

This is the second of Stan's videos. A short demonstration of how to play golf by Fred Astaire.

23th April 2020 - What Daddy did Click here bowl a bouncer

What Daddy did

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddy's did.

The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.

One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.

"Please Tommy, why do you look so sad?" asked the teacher.

Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar."

The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.

"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes, he sells his body for other men's pleasure."

There were gasps around the classroom.

The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.

She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: "Is all that true, Tommy?"

"No, not at all Miss. He really plays cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to say."

22th April 2020 - Once upon a time we could do this Click here to hit the commentator

Golf in the 1950s

The second 1950s cartoon

Play it as it lies
Your right hand is too far below your left

21th April 2020 - Some Corona virus stuff Click here to stay healthy

Corona Virus

This virus is why the newspapers and television have almost become mono-themed.

It also created the starting impetus to provide this part of our web site.

Where our Committee started - early April

With the advent of the Corona virus there has been a major output of announcements and recommendations about reducing the amount of contact between members of our community to slow the spread of the virus to a level where the health system can cope with it.

Included in this reduction of contact between community members is the obvious issue: should we as a golf and social club take any actions to reduce our social interaction?

While on a golf course is it easy to follow the advice of keeping 1.5m clear of others and in the open air these is a very reduced opportunity for an infected person to spread the virus onto surfaces where others can get them. (The virus can last up to three days on a flagstick). In the Clubhouse things are different. We can expect that our home clubs will be making decisions which will constrain how their Clubhouses and Pro-shops are used.

It seems very likely that in the early days of play resuming we will be expected to depart straight after playing. Our social interaction and results discussion will have to wait.

How do we safely handle score cards, NTP markers, cash payments?

You can rest assured the Committee will be addressing these issues and keep members informed of decisions taken.

The Community stopped us playing.

Acting on medical advice and political judgement the major decisions above were taken out of our hands and in Victoria mandatory closure of Golf Courses was imposed.

Other states still allow play with strong physical distancing requirements. Note I said physical distancing because we do not want Social distancing.

The Commonwealth Government Web site should be the best place to keep up to date on overall community knowledge. It can be seen here

A further relevant resource is Golf Australia whose views can be seen here

In an update on 17th April Golf Australia advised that golf should go ahead. The site also warns that it may change its advice at any time as new information comes to hand.

What else can help?

Getup have pointed us to the Viral Kindness web site. There may be some members to whom this site offers help.

Ring up another Club member and have a chat.

This segment last updated: 18 April 2020

20th April 2020 - Confession Click here if you're jealous


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.

Man, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest, Are you sorry for your sins?

Man, What sins?

Priest, What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man, I'm jewish.

Priest, Why are you telling me this?

Man, I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!.

19th April 2020 - Flying with the elite Click here fly in a safe plane

Parachuting to glory

Secretary Jeff let me know about this. 

A plane with five people on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, the Pope and Greta Thumberg is about to crash and there are only four parachutes.

Trump immediately says, I need one. I'm the smartest man in the USA and I'm needed to solve the world's problems.

He grabs one and jumps.

Johnson says, I'm needed to sort out the COVID-19 crisis in Britain

He grabs a parachute and jumps.

The Pope says, The world's catholics depend on me for comfort in a time of fear and I can pray for you as well.

He takes a parachute and jumps.

Angela Merkel says, Greta, I've lived a full life. Yours is just starting, take the last parachute.

Greta replies, Don't worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest man from the USA took my schoolbag.

Trump in action
As befits a big intellect, he made a big splash

18th April 2020 - Blind pilots Click here to recover from fright

Blind pilots

pilot not found

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

17th April 2020 - The irrepresible horse Click here if you can't do it yourself

What to do in quarantine

Stan Odachowski has bombarded me with videos relevant to our situation. You can't get to see them all at once, but here's the first showing good family co-operation.

15th April 2020 - Jungle golf Click here to recover the ball

Golf in the 1950s

John Kilmister has pointed me to a set of cartoons from the 1950s. This is the first of them.

Stan Odachowski has sent me some recent movie files. They will show up on due course.

And lastly, I've now had a positive response from eight members about this initiative and that exceeds the record for communication about web items by six!

Ball not found

Excuse me, but I wondered have either of you two gentlemen seen a small white ball?

11th April 2020 - A caddy's viewpoint Click here to close the Caddy's viewpoint

This is the first of a set of stories to remind us we're not alone through the Corona virus shutdown.

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since you teed off, sir."

Golfer: after several uncontrolled slices off the tee "Can you see any obvious problems?"

Caddy: "There's a piece of crap on the end of your club."

The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face.

Caddy: "No sir, it's at the other end."

Golfer: on the tee at a 120m par 3. "Can I get there with a seven iron."

Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

I kept trying to give my caddy a tip after my last round of golf, but he refused.

Apparently after watching me play, he only wanted money.

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, Sir. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "I swear, if I don't make this putt I'm going to drown myself in the water hazard."

Caddy: "You think you can keep your head down that long?"